With polar ice caps presumed to be melting faster than the last time polar ice caps melted, Undercurrent was recently contacted by Eskimo X, who’d seen an appeal advertisement that appeared in Anchorage Gazette that moved him, which detailed the tragic loss of extant Haggis populations in the Highlands.
On a scarcely believable Zoom call from his apartment in Seattle, Eskimo X said he was out hunting in a pair of Polar Bear skin trousers given to him by his Great Grandfather, when he stumbled upon a high security science and hunting facility in uncharted territory, where he was wrestled to the ground, relieved of his prized pants, and locked up in a refrigeration unit.
Using all his cold climate survival skills, he managed to survive, and escaped when his captors failed to close the freezer door properly after they’d brought him his daily ration of frozen sardines. Clad only in seal skin undies, a pair of walrus moccasins and a customised faux fur Yeezy hoodie, he somehow made it back to civilisation, with a chilling report he’d found on the freezer shelf about Grolar Bears, the latest climate change catastrophe to threaten the very existence of homo sapiens.
The Grolar Bear, the top secret report he quoted from warns, is the unnatural consequence of a coupling between the Polar Bear, white, dangerous, who lives mostly in cold and icy habitats, and the Grizzly Bear, brown, quite dangerous, who prefers forests and rivers and hibernates during winter when it gets too cold.
While Polar and Grizzly Bears are bears as nature intended them, going about their bear business with few complaints, but still best given a wide birth to be on the safe side, the Grolar Bear is a muddy hybrid that even Pillocks for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) would hunt down with tears in their eyes, and turn into a pair of Grolar Bear trousers, to preserve the purity of the other two breeds.
The rarer Polar Bear especially is at risk of extinction, according to the anonymous authors, who go on to argue that every effort must be made to hunt these genetic abominations down. They accuse those who refuse to accept this responsibility of Polar Bear betrayal, and end by demanding authorities intervene to keep Polar and Grizzly Bears off each others’ backs, since cyclical forces of nature they can’t control, but humans can, have begun to blur the dividing lines between their ranges.
Every Arctic cloud has a Seattle silver lining, and Eskimo X described how he was taken in by the Anchorage Ice Force and rehoused in a Seattle high rise under an assumed identity all paid for by local government (a consortium comprising Democrat’s, PETA, BLM and Antifa). Shortly after, he was visited by some fashion high roller, and emotionally blackmailed into signing a multi-million pound contract to model a snappy new Grolar Bear trouser designed by Tommy Hilfiger, to help save the Arctic Fox.
Unfortunately, and unfairly we thought, a clause in the small print of the 76 page agreement left him with the task of establishing Grolar Bear hide supply lines before mass production, a shameless trick clearly designed to use Eskimo X’s native minority status, and his knowledge of the exact whereabouts of the secretive Arctic Circle facility, for filthy financial gain.
Once there, after lengthy delays caused by lockdowns and government riots, he got lost in a blizzard looking for the shady site during one of the coldest Arctic winters on record, and returned empty handed. A Seattle psychologist he visited to help come to terms with this loss of ‘Eskimo Sense’ diagnosed PTSD and suggested the savage behaviour of the new Seattle government might have disturbed his primitive equilibrium as well as his migratory senses, and therefore his ability to navigate icecaps subliminally.
The doctor went on to prescribe a pioneering treatment that began with a course of ice flow hypnotherapy, a season langlaufing in the nearby Cascades mountain range, plenty of good weed, and the name of a Seattle councillor who would deal with payment and logistics.
But when he took advantage of a break in the rioting to visit the councillor, he found a ransacked office and no sign of any councillors at all! All that was left was a copy of the Anchorage Gazette on the table, which he took to cheer himself up.
Once he’d contacted us, we reached out to the new Seattle government consortium to establish who’d pay for this treatment, but couldn’t get further than a recorded message that promised to return our call when back from a powwow to demand more focus on trashing Mom and Pop stores. That was several riots ago.
In addition, neither the Pentagon, Nasa, the Canadian Mounties, or Elon Musk would confirm or deny the existence of the Grolar Bear, the authenticity of the stolen report, or the location of the reclusive center, recently outed as the Grolar Bear Research Center in an Anchorage Ice Force investigation.
With the authorities in Seattle seemingly AWOL, and the Grolar Bear trouser deal on the back burner, we offered Eskimo X a share of the proceeds from our Save The Haggis Fund appeal to pay for his rehab programme, in return for his offer to help design a special Haggis shelter, and to supply 50 pairs of Haggis fitted Grolar Bear trousers at a 25% discount.