Dear Donald,

I am so glad you have offered Barry retirement onto one of your golf course developments when his second term ends. I’d send him to your Scotland course. If only he’d have the common sense and dignity to take up your offer now, as you suggested. Unfortunately, I doubt he’ll take you up before he has sealed his clowning legacy with climate change. It’s not Daesh and oil but coal that offers the greatest threat to his legacy of economic chaos, so it’s coal he has declared war on.

Unless he’s indulging in calculated negligence, where every deliberate loss is a win to him, Barry has surpassed even our wildest expectations in the Great Game, where the wins he claims in his dreams are horrible losses in reality. If it was me getting Double Duked by a Turk, a Polymath brand gets tarnished, if it was you, perhaps a Trump Cadde licensee starts to threaten, but when it happens to the POTUS it’s war, and the chance to establish a whole healthy country goes down the historical gurgler.

If he’d played his cards right, which of course includes knowing when the local dealer has switched to Turkish Poker where dealing a Double Duke to settle a local score is fair game, we’d be looking forward to the national socialist Kurds expanding Southwards into Iraq and Syria to establish their own Republic at the expense of the islamofascist Daesh. A win win for everyone including the Turks if they could only have been helped to see beyond deep rooted and easily provoked nationalism to a new trading partner with the potential to reach the USD 8bn annual trade they were doing with Bush’s Iraq in 2008, before a different American agenda with student revolutionary delusions came to power, and the whole experiment got sabotaged.

So he doesn’t know Poker, or he does, and he’s happy to get gamed when it suits his deeper purpose, but what about good cop bad cop? Every American knows good cop bad cop, right? So the Ayatollah and his hardliners play bad cop, the Iranian Prime Minister and his advisors play good cop, and Barry plays the stupid American who falls for it. Unless he is on their side, and it’s all one big act, in which case it’s the American people who are getting conned.

Add that one to his record in the Great Game, and you might end up with a loss only seen once before in the history of war games, which will come to be known in polite Poker circles as getting Triple Nuked, when Iran share their USD 150bn sanctions relief pot with North Korea and Pakistan, and their other proxy partners in the region, and take their hatred out on Israel.

Are you sure you can handle this scoundrel on your property? Exile and Traitors Gate might be a better bet, if the Royal Family hadn’t taken his side. And not even out of fear or expedience, that’s the sad part, they practice what he preaches. Might they retire him in Balmoral, you ask? Or Chequers I reply! Worth an ask.